Girls Like Poems Better Than Dead Dragons

I got to the doctor today, but he couldn't really tell me much. We're starting me back on my old meds (and some allergy meds, just in case). Hopefully this will fix something, given time. But it doesn't make me feel better about going back to work. I'm dreading it. I just don't want to deal with it. At all.

I can't wait to hear what my manager is going to say about me missing those few days. I have a doctor's note. I called her each time and let her know what was going on. Let her try to write me up or whatever. If she tries anything I'm going to give her my two week notice. That's really all there is to it. I've spent a year at that job just to end up exactly where I've started. I won't take any grief about my being sick. Over the past year I've called in exactly three times, it just happens that two of them were this week. It's not my fault. If she tries anything I will tell her what I think. I mean *exactly* what I think. Well, I may leave out a few things just to spare her feelings. She may not deserve it, but I'm a nice person. Okay, I TRY to be a nice person.

Why am I worried? Everything's going to be fine. I'll go in to work tomorrow and it will be like nothing ever happened. Everything will be exactly as it was.

Just like it was right before I started with the panic attacks and all. Thank God my brother gave me some of his meds to take tomorrow.

I'm kind of feeling better. Heavy on the *kind of*. I had a really bad panic attack. Worse than any I've had before. I couldn't breathe. When things like that happen I really think I'm in physical danger, like something terrible has happened and things will never be okay again. What am I going to do?

I'm going to see my doctor asap. I'm considering calling in to work again tomorrow. I know my manager's already mad at me about Friday, but what can I do? I'll just explain my situation to her and she can either accept it or not. I'll bring her a note from my doctor. I'm not making this up. I'm not trying to get out of work, I just don't feel strong enough to do my job. Maybe I should call her tonight and see what she says.

My hands are shaking. It makes it hard to type. I tried to work on a story I've been writing and couldn't do it. I just couldn't.

Maybe I'm finally going crazy. In a way it would be a relief. I wouldn't have to pretend to be okay anymore.

I ended up calling in sick to work, but it's because I actually *was* sick. I spent all yesterday in bed, but today's been better. I've managed to get up and walk around and eat. It's a lot better. I'm sure my manager thinks I'm faking (which I'm not!). I was shaking really bad this morning. There's no way I could have done my job.

But I have the weekend to recoup and I'll be good as new. Maybe better than new.

It was a bad day. I feel like crap. I started binging when I got home from work. I haven't purged nearly enough. I'm fat and I'm always going to be that way. I hate myself. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm tired of being fussed at. I'm tired of not caring. I just wish I was better.

Oh, wait. Things might start being more fun in a minute. My brother's going to cuss out some girl here in awhile and he's going to have me on the phone so I can listen to him do it. I'm sorry, but that's way better than anything on tv. Stupid tv. Why aren't you more entertaining? Why can't you bring meaning to my life?

Things aren't fun right now. I really hope I can get Friday off. Maybe I'll just call in sick or something.

Last night as I was lying in bed I kept obsessing over what I should do about my job. I came to the conclusion that it was time to quit. But when I got there today I wondered if I was being hasty. To quit or not to quit? I just don't know. Is the other job really going to be any better? I mean, really? It's farther away, it's with stuff I'm not as familiar with. Then again it's an opportunity to learn new things and meet new people. Not to mention hte fact that no one's going to ask me about my diet there. I'll be free to starve/binge/purge as I please. I'd love to lose this weight before I start teaching.

Am I going to teach? Have I decided that yet?

The only thing I've really decided is that I need to have red hair right now. I just feel so angry and fire-y I have to dye my hair. Plus that's the only decision I've made lately that I really feel secure about. Actually, maybe I should bleach it blonde first. Just strip it of all color and a few days later cover it up. Of course the last time I tried to go blonde on my own it didn't turn out all that great. I guess right now I don't really need a 'good' color so much as a I need a dramatic color. I could just go red. It won't matter.

Today feels like another wasted day. I've done some things, but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I made a call today inquiring about how to become a teacher, and the first real step is to fax my transcripts over for an evaluation of my coursework. Other than that? Maybe there won't be much. I could actually get a real job with decent pay. Wouldn't that be a nice change?

I also had my second interview with my brother's work today. I think it went okay. I mean, I guess. If anything I was a little too relaxed and a little too honest. But I didn't say anything bad. I didn't go in there and whine about my current job (which I was afraid I was going to do). Maybe things can start to get better now.

If I can stick to my diet. :P

Speaking of my current job, I had a talk with my manager and it didn't go well. I could physically feel the anger welling up underneath my ribcage and I saw the walls move back (not literally, it's just how my mind playing tricks on me when I get hungry or angry or light-headed). Fortunately it passed quickly. I wasn't angry with my manager (and I told her I wasn't). It was the frustration with my situation. I tried to tell her I feel that I've been taken advantage of, underapperciated, not to mention underpaid. She had the nerve to take the opportunity to fuss at me for being ten minutes late that morning. We don't follow the schedule. She feels free to change it anytime. Yet it's not okay for me to be a little late one morning? Whatever! I think that was the straw that broke this camel's back. If you're going to fuss at me for not doing my job you had better make damn sure you're doing yours.

It's time to quit. I think. I just need something to get me through until I can get a teaching licence. I don't know if this is it anymore.

Day two of my diet. So far, so good.

I still have no idea what to do about my job. Yesterday I started working on a letter to my regional manager explaining my greivances. When I re-read it, it didn't sound very nice. Today I'm going to talk to my manager and see if there's any possibility of me getting a raise. If not, I'm going to start writing my notice. I got a call about a second interview with my brother's work, so I'm going to return that call today. I just need something to get me through school.

And to get me through these twenty pounds I've gained. And yes, it is twenty pounds. I weighed myself this morning.

I may need to stop watching Buffy before bed. I had a really weird dream last night where vampires were after me. They were playing some kind of game where they run up, hit you, and then run away. Then when you try to run home they catch you at your doorstep. I got away, but the dream was still scary in a good horror movie kind of way.

I'm going to stop smoking soon. Wish me luck.

Well, I'm finally back on my diet. I'm actually really excited about it! Last night I was binging (because hopefully it'll be a long time before I do it again) and I couldn't help but crave the healthy foods I deny myself when I'm on a tear. I wanted fruit. I wanted grilled chicken. I wanted vegetables. Instead I ate brownies. Gross.

It's good to get back on track. I've missed my foods. I've missed the treadmill, and my ab workouts.

I still have no idea what to do about my job. I think I'm going to let May 17 be my last day. I think I'm going to write a letter to my regional manager telling her some of my concerns about my center and my manager. I'll let her deal with it. I don't expect change. I don't expect anything to get any better. I don't even expect anyone to pay any attention. I may say that in my letter. Maybe I won't do anything until my last day or so. That gives me lots of time to sort my thoughts.

Hopefully today will be a good day. I need something to renew my spirit.

Grrr. I'm having yet another 'I hate my job' days. Let me explain. . .

Last night my manager sent me a text message asking me if it would be alright if she left early today (monday). I didn't respond. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? I've been very upset that she keeps changing my schedule, and now she's decided she's going to change her schedule instead. And I HATE being there by myself in the evening. I don't feel safe at all! I dealt with it when she left on Friday because it couldn't be helped. But now she's decided I'm going to do it again! I agonzied over it last night, and was certain we'd be getting into it this morning. I was tempted to respond to her text with a simple "I quit". Instead I decided to play it cool. I'm probably not going to be there much longer, so who cares? When she asked me this morning I simply told her that I was working until seven and if she wanted to leave early it was up to her. She took that as an all-clear and assumed everything was alright. Whatever. What I meant was that she is the manager, the center is her responsibility and she's pawning it off on me, and if she feels comfortable abusing her one remaining employee who already should have walked out more than once, then that is up to her. I really should go ahead and give my two week notice.

Career-wise, I'm still confused. Teaching? Maybe. Cage-fighting? Last resort. Dietician? Dare to dream.

Truthfully I'd like to quit my job at the end of April, work my buns off in the first session of summer school, and then find another job that I can work while I finish working toward the career I want.

When I was growing up Lizzie Borden was my hero. She was bold, she was honest, and she did very little to cover up what she did. I can just imagine her with the police: "My mother? Oh no, she's not my mother. She's my step mother. Murdered you say? With an ax? Well that's something, isn't it."

The more I think about her, the more it feels like I can relate. She was in her thirties (which I will be, eventually) and still living with her parents (which I am, currently). And her alibi? She wasn't killing her parents, she was in the shed binging on pears! Personally I wouldn't eat in our shed, and I don't binge on fruit (except rasins). Lizzie and I weren't separated at birth but I think we would have been friends.

I'm not actually going to hurt my parents. My mom just made me extrememly angry this morning. Apparently, I download too much and that makes our internet slow. I have not done anything different. I have not been downloading more lately. I have not done anything. Yet I pretty much daily face her accusations and lectures about how I'm being inconsiderate (wtf? Get a freaking hobby mom!). She has no idea how to use the computer. Seriously! A few weeks ago I bought her a set of card games and she had to ask me how to close the program. Umm . . . . try the x button at the top right? And yet she feels justified in telling me that my usage is too much. And she decided that *we* agreed that I would never download anything ever again. HELL NO. I never agreed to that. She doesn't pay any attention to reality. She just doesn't.

I'm so mad at her. She just isn't all there (and she's getting worse with age). It's so frustrating, I give up. Forget it! I'm just not going to talk to her anymore. She doesn't know what she's talking about and there's no convincing her otherwise.

I really need to stop writing about my life. It really depresses me to actually think about who I am and what I do.

At least I've only had one cigarette so far today. That's progress!

I haven't binged yet today (not really) but that doesn't mean I'm not going to. I didn't purge well yesterday, and I'm very likely not going to purge tonight.

I've become entirely too complacent about my weight and about my life in general. I seem to be content to remember a time when things were worse, and somehow that makes it okay for me to not be any better. No, I'm not at my highest weight. No, I'm not unemployed and crying every five seconds. I'm just kind fat and work in a dead end job. That's not the worst thing a person can be, unless you have potential to be thin and gainfully employed (which I do). If I want my life to be better, why don't I try harder?

This is usually when I try to reassure myself that I've done a lot of things right. I finished college. I didn't want to, but I did it anyway. I broke up with whatisface (or did he break up with me? I'm not sure). I knew it was going to hurt, but it was for the best. And think of all the times I *didn't* kill myself. I've resisted the suicidal urge every day of my life (except for one, but no one's perfect). Sure, I have scars I have to live with. But so what?

I think I do too good of a job of reasuring myself. I begin to believe I'm okay when I'm not. Well, something's got to give.

And it's going to give *now*.

. . . . . . or first thing in the morning. But I'll get ready for it tonight.

I think it's time to quit my job. I've had enough.

Today my manager's back was hurting, so I was stuck by myself for half the day. I was left to handle appointments that I'm not sure I was ready for. They didn't go that great, btw. And of course our regional manager called asking about all kinds of things, and sure I was there on my own with more than I should be expected to do but what was I doing to get more people in the door and get revenue up? Please! I was there by myself and hoping that no one would show up. My manager is getting paid twice as much as I do, yet I seem expected to take on the same responsibilities.

I've had enough. I need a new job, fast.

I just need a career that will offer me potential for advancement, a decent salary, and less bullshit. I know there is no completely bullshit-free job, and so I will gladly accept something with just a little less (hell, even a different kind!).

Maybe I should become a teacher. Truthfully I still want to become a dietician, but I can become a teacher much faster. People at work have commented on how good I am with kids and that I seem like I should be teaching elementary school.

Maybe this teaching thing will work.

Hmm. I wonder what I'll want to be tomorrow?

I think yesterday I wanted to become a film critic. Here's an example of my work:

Donnie Darko sucked.

See? I'm good. Concise, clear, and colorful.

Whatever. Tomorrow I'll probably want to become a professional cage fighter.

. . . . .oooh, cage fighting.

Today I slept past noon and then I took two naps. Today sucked.

Tonight I told my dad about sleeping all day. He said he wished he could do that. I've been fighting back tears ever since. I wish I had a good job and could support our family the way he does. I'd give up days like this if I could be more like him. I'd give up everything, really. I know part of the reason he does what he does is so that I can live a pressure-free life the way I do, but can't I do something to return the favor? Isn't it his turn?

I really truly hate myself. I feel like such a loser. Why can't I be better?

I can be better. I know I can. I have to start by doing something to make myself feel better, like I have power over my life and body. And what's the best thing to do when you feel bad? Lose weight! If I could lose some weight, even just five pounds, I'd start to feel better about myself and the power I have over my life. Then I can start fixing my career badness and find a way to give my dad a break. I know I'm his little princess, but Diana was a princess and look at all the good she did!

Unfortunately the only thing I have in common with Princess Diana is bulimia.

Another day in the life of Ms. Jenny Simon.

I don't know what it is, but lately everyone seems to want to tell me about their bowl movements. Why is that? Do they think this is stuff I want to hear? Do they think it makes me feel friendlier toward them, or that I will be more inclined to seek their company in the future? I *never* tell anyone about that stuff! I was sick last year with a fever, nausea, and *ahem* digestive issues. When I went to the doctor I only mentioned the fever and nausea. He asked about the other and I descretely admitted it was a problem. I did not go into details. He did not need to know about my normal habits or any of the other details that people want to tell me lately.

Didn't Freud say something about people who were preoccupied with their own bodily functions? Aren't they the most disturbed of all of us?

God, please take these thoughts from me.

I binged today. It was gross. The really gross thing is I've only purged twice.

Hmm. Maybe I am obsessed with my own bodily functions, like all the people who have been giving me tmi. Maybe I'm just obsessed with things coming out the opposite way.

Is it wrong to chase a glass of wine with a shot of ipecac?

Damn. It was definitely Monday today. First of all, I woke up late and was late to work. I didn't have time to shower or anything. I just threw on some clothes and left. Great way to start the day.

Work sucked. I had a hard time sleeping last night and I was in a cloud all morning. I swear, I didn't know what I was saying/doing half the time. I worked a split shift today and on my break I hit the treadmill. That helped. Then I cleaned up and went back to work feeling more alert and refreshed. When I got there my manager said, "Oh, you took a shower". Um, what was *that* supposed to mean? I woke up late that morning. I told her that. Did she want me to be even later (leaving her *alone* at work) so that I could shower when I was just going to come home and work out mid-day?

And besides, I've been dealing with a lot of depression issues lately. When you're depressed and run down it's hard to convince yourself that a shower is a worthwhile effort. It just seems like an overwhelming task.

Later she told me that I need to sign up for a myspace account so that I can meet guys. After all, I am interested in finding a nice monogomous relationship that will eventually lead to marraige. I mean, that's what she wants so of course it's what I want too. Um, hello? I *was* engaged once and that was a disaster. Why would I put myself through that again? Irony of ironies, this occurred on the day when she might be breaking up with her long-term boyfriend for creating a profile on adult friend finder behind her back. Gee, I really want to find a nice relationship just like hers.

I'm so over my job and my manager. She can kiss my booty good-bye!

Otherwise I guess I'm okay. I'm breaking my binge (kind of) and getting back on track (sort of). Truthfully I just want a good night's sleep. Screw all else.

Is it time to go back to school yet?

Last week my mom fussed at me because I don't work enough. This morning she fussed at me for working too much. All this from a woman who hasn't held a job in over twenty years. Wtf?

She also asked me about my brother's new love interest. She's already made up her mind that this one is *exactly* like the last one. There are a lot of similarities in the circumstances (none of which she has been told about), but it's really stupid that she's already made up her mind without ever having met her. I told her that I was going to meet the new girl before she did and it would be in everyone's best interest if she followed my lead. She kind of gave me a wink and asked what other choice she had. Um, how about jumping to conclusions with no information like you already have?

My mother. I don't really know how to describe her. Wait, yes I do. There is one incident from my childhood that really sums her up: I once told her she talked too much, and I got a lecture. She proved my point.

How do I live with this woman? Seriously, how?

Well, that guy seems to have taken the hint. Yesterday he sent me a text asking if I just didn't want to hang out with him. I didn't respond. Why would I? I could tell him all the reasons I don't want to see him, but that wouldn't do anyone any good. I could give him the whole 'it's not you it's me' thing, but why should I put myself down just to spare his feelings? So, silence. I haven't heard anything since. I guess I squeaked my way out of that!

I may have another job interview today (yay!). The guy called me yesterday while I was asleep (in the middle of the afternoon! Who naps like that?!?!) so I need to call him back asap and let him know I'd love to come in and talk to him. IF he's calling from the right store. I'm not sure. I need to check on it and see. Or I could just ask him when I call. I feel so akward making these phone calls, but then again when I'm at work I like recieving them. What's that all about? I couldn't even tell you.

I binged last night and didn't purge. I feel like shit. Looking in the mirror this morning was hard. I don't look like me. I don't act like me, either. I need to try harder. I need to be motivated to take better care of myself. I want to be thin and healthy, even if I have to take five laxatives a day and stick my fingers down my throat to get me there.

What am I going to do?

I guess I'm going to see about that job, first of all.

I've decided I'm not going to see the guy. When I talked to him on the phone yesterday it just reminded me too much of past boyfriends. He talked and talked and talked and wanted to tell me all about himself. That was a huge turnoff and all I wanted was to get off the phone. He's very likely psycho. And even if he's not, I'm really not interested.

Yesterday he told me he was a very humble person. Anyone who flat out tells you they are humble, really isn't.

I'm not going out with him and that's it.

I'm supposed to have a job interview today, but I need to call and cancel it. It would be fun if it weren't for the fact that it's really far away and gas prices are high as it is. I don't want to make that call. This sucks.

So much for my day. I was going to have a date and a job interview. Now all I've got is kickboxing and a trip to Target. Well, thank God for Target. I'll buy myself a present to make me feel better.

At least the scale was down this morning. I really thought it would be up.

Okay, so I finally called that guy who asked me out on Monday. Yesterday he was blowing up my phone and I was so intimidated I barely text'ed him back. Today I got up the nerve to call him. I'm wondering if that was a mistake?

I like him, but I don't think we're going to end up being anything more than friends. There's just too much about us that doesn't quite click. He loves to talk about himself and within minutes of meeting him I knew he was in the national guard, that he does martial arts, and that he's had four serious girlfriends in his whole life. What have I revieled about myself? My name and phone number. That's about it. For some reason I don't want to share much personal information with this guy. I'm slow and cautious in relationships. He's already inviting me over to his house. We're going to meet at the park with my brother's pit bull. My brother's pit bull who is very protective of her aunt.

I really wish I could just binge and purge all this away.

It's after midnight and I'm still up, even though I have to work in the morning. Why am I up late? I was filling out a job application. That's right, I'm job hunting despite the fact that I'm employed.

I feel like I'm really busy lately, but I have no idea why. I do have some plans for the next few days (one of which is a date!) but nothing overwhelming. And it's all written down in my newly decorated calendar, so I won't forget. Hmm. What *am* I forgetting?

I don't know what to do about my date. He's nice, but he's coming on a little strong. Still, it's time to get back out there. As an added bonus he looks a little like my ex's ex's husband. So in a way, this new guy makes me feel as though I've triumphed in some way. I know that doesn't make any sense, but it's how I feel.

Today was good, food-wise. Except of course when I got a light-headed during my first kick-boxing session. He asked what I had eaten that day and I was honest (I thought it was enough!). Next time I need to eat lunch before I go there. A late breakfast and a light snack won't cut it. I really need to start taking better care of my body, if only I knew how. I know it doesn't involve the business end of my toothbrush or a bottle of ipecac. That doesn't keep me away from bad habits, though. I wonder what will?

I really wish I didn't need food. I wish I didn't need anything at all. I wish I was all skin and bones and the world could see how vulnerable I really am. It's a rare person who's seen for who they are. I remember at my thinnest how my entire body would be have to be involved with every movement. Now I've got all these layers of fat on me, it's hard to see how deep below my skin I actually start.

I really hope I'm still in there somewhere.